Second Quarter Stormer

a mental maelstrom of thoughts

[the beginning is the end is the... part 2]

well... let's cut the short story long. this plan of taking down this site is, well, taking too long. (any justification will solely rest on the laurels of me being one complete liar.)

for one, i have my personal struggles. got a new one at that, to add to my already horrendous life (thanks for the description, you know who you are...). 'nuff said.

second, i've had my share of contemplating behind sarcastically-spastically-madly-hysteric laughter and tag-ons. you might say it's my way of coping with stress. i say its my way of looking back at things buried by sands of time. or better yet, the way i ONCE lived my life.

there was a time when everything WAS so simple. that was the carefree me. WALANG PAKIALAM. now, as we progress, somehow we lose that naivette of things. there was solace that time. and i loved those carefree moments.

right now, i wanted to have those simple things back. forget how i felt these past two years, and what it led me into. i reckon you already know the stories. of mad nights with bacchus. of tears. of solitude. of (un)clever deception. of course, lies.

it's rather a complicates things. but now, i really hate to complicate things. it only led to troubles and more troubles. i have a simple thing right now. i just want to move on... and live the life the way it was supposed to be, for me. right after i clear ALL the clouds.

responsibility? sure, y'betcha.

*holds someone's hand* this time, i know i will be better... as we say.. fight-ooooo... OH!

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 00:17 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[fly... fly... da flutter(bye)]

what was that post i did, about a loft kite, a couple of months ago? well, that metaphor still sticks here... only, there have been things.

one, the kite WAS named (ok, by someone, only to retract after a couple of days). second, the kite thought it flew. without strings. well, as fate dictated upon him, it thought wrong. third, the kite IS flying now. without strings, AND without direction.

nice? you tell me, in this grey rainy bluey monday morning. and if in case you still don't get it...

but of course, i can't tell everything. right now, after all that's been said, it's hard for thoughts and things to be encapsulated in words.

"mahirap nang magsalita." i'll coin that phrase up. thanks (you know who you are).

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 14:12 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

[the beginning is the end is the...]

ok... here goes. my first post in how many weeks. might as well DO NOT WONDER where i have gone. let's say i had a hiatus of sorts. and certain ponderings.

one of which is closing down this blogging thing. i have a certain line to write about how i'm gonna pull off that attempt, so, well, it might come in later.

for now, let's just breathe stereophonics.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 13:26 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[sometimes i wonder...]

there exists a certain point in time where justice is served. and if ever it is served blindly, and if ever you just have to feel it, then there it goes. without you even anticipating it.

[point1]
there exists a time, minus the beer and the things you have grown accustomed with, where you feel so secure and free, but it is there too where friends' stories hit you (kinda big time), and it leaves you with half a smirk, and half the pang inside your heart. what, should it be a guiltless feeling? no, i think not. because you know it really hit you with reality stings.

[point2]
there exists a time when you really miss someone, and thought you WILL never see each other again, yet like that TSUBASA CHRONICLE ending song says (rough translation here) "If this Earth was flat, the both of us would have never met. / We’d have been running away from each other / without even slowing down. Now, even if we’re separated to the ends of the Earth / we’ll probably face each other again amidst the endlessly looping miracles..." so there. we actually met, quite serendiptiously, but really unexpectedly. though honestly i really don't know the reason for that. but then it left me drained from the perk i felt the whole day.

and a lousy apology to a friend about the matter doesn't help too, i reckon.

[point3]
i AM actually singing this local song ("Lunes" - Join The Club) and it tangled my newly convoluted mind. that went after reading a citrusy post somewhere in cyberspace (i know, you know who you are).

[point4]
should the act of saying "i miss you" really something of importance? you tell me.. right now i really AM lost after seeing that citrusy post.

so there goes. sometimes i wonder where justice is. and i know, this is yet another one of those convoluted thoughts i have. really, please, it's true right now.

*shrugs, shakes head* what a monday, eh.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 10:28 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[the static convolutions of negating things, my way]

look at things i write this way. like someone said, "singungaling ako (i am a liar)." ergo, what i wrote here? they are all bunch of letters which made words and phrases and thoughts that eventually MADE LIES.

ok, i said i'm (trying to be) flying free. reality check, i am NOT. i am happy? its a complete 360 degrees of convolutions. i am sad? there goes the hysteric laugh. i don't miss people who were once upon a time around me? sheesh, i guess you already got the idea right now.

i am free? i will spell it to you. EN. OW. TEE. and if ever i am entitled to a bit of honesty, here goes. honestly, right now? sometimes i hate these thoughts.

or right now you might say its another one of my lies. well, three words. so be it.

take it as it is then. don't ask or bother asking me to have me explain things, or even figuring out everything yourself, because hell, you already know me. and so here's a fitting (convoluted) ending to this otherwise sensible entry: I WILL NOT RESIGN MY POST AT THE SOONEST POSSIBLE TIME BECAUSE I AM SOOOO FITTING IN THIS ORGANIZATION I AM IN!!!

get the picture?

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 21:54 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

[sands down in time]

do you remember one thing that helps drown every BS you have in your life? well i have one. the beach. oops, make it the sea and rocky beaches, like the ones the past two years gave me. but anyway, they served their purpose those times. if only some sand could've have helped.

but this year was different. yep, i really was craving for the saltine spot this earth can give me. albeit the darky waters (compared to the clear waters and fishies anilao gave me last year) and, well, some unlikely "floaters" in the water, everything was ok.

the sand too, was there. at last. and the lesson learned there.

sometimes, i thought, everything comes in your hand. but then again, it slips just as easily. save for some tiny shimmering specks. and you let the most run through your fingers. quite willingly, quite givingly, quite selfishly, most unselfishly.

but then, what can happen to those tiny ones left? while we let go, something is left. and i found myself in an either-or situation once again. right now a AM clueless why it MUST strike at this moment. AND it sucks.

sometimes i gravitate back to that thing i wrote here a couple of months ago, of letting go... i really don't know how the hell it can serve its purpose, when time and tide sends something back which you thought you have had let go already.

and those backlashes really CAN hurt you. again, I FOUND MYSELF IN AN OK STATE YET AGAIN!!! I LOST OK??!!! AND I AM LETTING GO AND MOVING ON!!! WHY NOW!!!?!

if sands of time really flows freely, please... let me sting my eyes with these specks left in my hands, and let them blind me for a while, if it's JUST FOR A WHILE. i'll find my solace in that blindness. sheesh. badtrip 'to pare. promise...

but if ever there's a consolation.... for a kite waiting to fly free.... here's one...

Itatago ko ang iyong larawan, ang imaheng minsang humarap sa salamin, / hanggang sa ang malayang hangin, na nakakulong sa prinsesang bato... / hanggang sa mawasak ang prinsesang bato, / hanggang sa makalaya / ang kulong na bulong / at lumipad / umabot sa ulap / at doon kita hihintaying dumating, / para pagmasdan ang langit puno ng bituing kikislap, / ngingiti sa ating dalawa. -para kay "kite."

i will be there... just you wait... =)

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 23:02 | :: slipstream :: | comments (1) |

[to and fro]

i have a story about a kite... kinda like that one i stared at back home. a story, well, kinda, but more of a rumination of sorts.

it makes me wonder why, if ever it felt free to fly, it has to have a string. one can say "steering purposes." others might say "so that it may not be lost" (unless you or others cut the string). still others might go further by saying... "maybe it was never meant to be free."

some curious thoughts there, really. while i watched the kite flutter to and fro in that clear afternoon, those thoughts came. and it kinda struck me big time for, in reality, i kinda felt like that lowly kite. somehow i feel like there are strings attached to me, that even if there were times that i kicked dust away and i felt free, somehow there were things that drag me down.

read my last two post? dont' worry, really i feel so free right now. was it not for this solo thing that somehow saddens me, yup right now.. for i realized that in the moment that i took the wheels of changes in motion, to let others be happy and let them be, i found that, yes, i lost two great friends along the way.

somehow it drags me down, honestly. if it's true that in order for you to gain something you have to lose a thing of equal value... this is so unfair. but then again, it was my own doing. such pendulum swings.

*sigh* but then again, my rest period isn't over, thank god. a few more days and this too will pass. right now, i'm learning to REALLY let go. so this is how it feels....

and sooner than i think, maybe, i'll be a kite flying freely in the sky once again under a vast sunny sky.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 02:55 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

[ball-a-bing, and stuff i missed]

ouch... my ring finger hurts.

but it's better that way, i guess. this week proved its worth for my erstwhile "leave" (not a total one because, well, i still do certain stuff at the office).

i rediscovered how it feels to be "solar-powered," playing basketball underneath scorcho-sun and playing on "auto-crossover" pavement. uhm, there goes the ouchy ring finger that ensued from a bad ball-tap. not new, anyone who played ball might have had this. good thing its not my ankle. so much for playing ball, i guess.

but hey, i REALLY missed being with the people back home. one even called me the "prodigal one" teee-heehh. and there were secret stories they told me i missed since my absence. a freebie there was a haircut. not that i badly needed one (or so i thought i didn't need one) but my cousin wasn't doing anything at the time. besides, i was pestering him with it, and for a hairdye too wehehe.. (oops, did i made a lie in this sentence again? not badly needing one, yet i pestered my cuz? come on wehehe..)

i rediscovered biking too. the lengthiest i've gone was when i pedalled from our home to libis, then at the office (just to get dirty stuff i left there) then home. maybe i should pedal more.

but the most endearing sight i got was that of kids playing with their kites. looking at them while their cheapy fliers flutter underneath a clear sky, i remember the times when i was carefree, and i was flying... and during those moments, i just smiled underneath a bright happy sun.

*nods* i will enjoy the rest of the coming weeks. yes, there were things i know i missed when i left the halfway house down roxas district. but then again, we all have to move on and find what makes us (as well as other people) happy. i found mine back home, even though miniscule. and yes, im beginning to feel ok. then and there will i make a comeback. as that nickelback song said, "someday i will, i'll gonna make it all right but not right now" wehehe.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 12:44 | :: slipstream :: | comments (4) |

[i hate this feeling]

was it always like this. just when i was really feeling so ok with myself, i find myself getting depressed over, uhm... sheesh, an attraction. or maybe that attraction became more than just that.

i hate this. my gullibility always leads me nowhere. i don't want to be the scapegoat.

i need a break. yet again.

[edit / 0422]

made this day as a "pass-a-note-i-know-you're-ok-now-so-then-i'm-gone" day.

i decided to take a break from my usual work load. i have been so depressed (read: the upper extremes of ennui) and at the same time distracted (see above) that it have affected any creativity left of me. even the new look of our paper's website seem too cluttered out at the seams (as far as i am concerned) because of this. haha, goodness of goodness, all i did was basically copy-paste old elements and tweak the CSS code. others than that, walang ka-effort-effort.

*shakes head* i just hope this doesn't stretch through the one month i asked from our managing editor. besides, we had an agreement. just one month, maybe less. use it to let me heal myself (lick the wounds?), then i'll get back to my usual rakenroll self. as for now, i'll find my way of being happy. this summer vacation is my worst, and it sucks big time. yup, my usual angst, you might say. nothing new here. but then again, i guess i deserve this break, for whatever reason i can think and people can think of (yes, the reasons i wrote here included).

so, a vacation for me then.

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 18:14 | :: slipstream :: | comments (2) |

[may bangs!!! part3]

[the weekend]
so ok, i DID managed to take a hike this weekend, courtesy of a good chum who invited me to her place down mexico pampanga. spend the whole sweltering weekend there. and, with another friend, we managed to go to... uhm, guess we just went in circles.

anyway, friday was roadtrip day. was it not for the lack of money (as well as an alibi) we could have gone straight to baguio and spend the night there. haha. all for booze. so there are your usual stops at gasoline stations, and some quick trips over their convenience stores... when something caught my eye.

looking from behind the glass door, was not just one, but two "banged red horse"!!! *insert rad-x's tulo-laway face here* but since it was stingingly hot, and the beer just might get lost in a fizz and evaporate, i ddecidedd not to take the bottles home. so there. a roadtrip to fontana, clark.. then fell asleep. only to realize i need a quick perk me up at a starbuko site in... eep!!! TARLAC???

[same bottle, different name]
friend (let's call her sugar from here on) took me along with her family at a kin reunion of sorts. she let me get the acquaintance of her brood (all guys.. afraaaiiid!!!) and had a bottle of, of course, the red ride. curious as we are, we checked the bottle. the regular horse. till she asked her cousin if he knows anything about a "different horse."

enough said. that was the time we came to know "the banged one" is hailed as the "happy horse" this side of Luzon.

now, there's the grin on the face of that horse. haha

[late night spuriosity]
ok, we took the friday's trip with a wind-up at a certain gas station where a bottle or two is legal. there. more banged ones staring from behind the store's glass shelf. we gladly took 'em all, with the other customers wondering why we have to sift through the whole stock like we were searching for your usual chiz curls prize. but of course we were. three bottles. two stallions and a 500ml bottle of "the banged ones" was all that we had. if the mucho one could've sported the same...

and we ended up in sugar's pad, half drunk yes, but weren't able to down a giraffe of a grand matador....

so, was wine ever relegated last holy weekend? NAAAAH!!!! better to be drunk than to whine in some corner... DUST AWAY UNWANTED THOUGHTS AND GET THE MOST OUT OF LIFE!!! wehe

Sirocco blew away RaDiX4EvEr at 22:42 | :: slipstream :: | comments |

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